“Humanity is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be in peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.”
I am not a religious person, but this quote from Andrew Murray speaks to me.
There is a Chinese saying called BuYi WuXi, BuYiJiBei that speaks a similar concept: Don’t be pleased by external gains, don’t be saddened by personal losses.
My awakening journey has been one of trying to find and keep peace within.
It hasn’t been easy.
I lost my temper with my son again, the precious 11-year-old boy, both sweet and joyful. I went into my room, closed the door and let tears roll down my cheeks. What is happening? My anger is always only towards him. His defiance triggers me so much and so fast.
Trying to get my inner peace back, I re-listened to Dr. Shavani’s “Conscious Parenting” talk. She reminded me of what I had forgotten.
I had forgotten that anger was exactly the same anger I experienced from my father when I was his age.
Things had gotten worse as I got older.
Date with Destiny 2012, Tony asked us “When you were growing up, whose love do you crave the most? Mom or Dad?” I avoided giving an answer for 9 years.
This morning, it popped up: My Dad’s. Growing up, it was his love I craved the most, even though I was disgusted by him on the inside.
Thankfully, Dad is a changed man now. He is kind and sweet. My childhood friend commented she could not imagine he had a hot temper before. I am happy to hear that. I hid it well, but my anger showed me if I don’t heal completely, I will unconsciously pass all my childhood trauma to my son and he will pass it to his children.
But HOW? And What is the GIFT?
I just finished reading The Body of the World by Eve Ensler.
It contained brutally graphic scenes. Warning! The description of the rape camp in Congo turned my stomach. How would humanity be capable of doing such horrors? Cutting the pregnant woman’s belly open, throwing the half-formed baby in the boiling pot and forcing the women to eat it or get their heads chopped off?!?! I hunched down. I felt nauseated. I wanted to throw up.
My body started to cry.
Now I remembered what I have forgotten about the horrific atrocity of The Rape of NanJing by Japanese soldiers in China. The author who interviewed hundreds of survivors later committed suicide at the age of 36. Was the pain too much for her to bear?
I remembered I had watched a movie called Xiu Xiu, not long after I landed in America. I sat on the bench in the cold wind with falling leaves all around and sobbed non-stop for a long time. It’s a story of a 16-year-old girl who got sent to the countryside by Chairman Mao’s cultural revolution. Her body was used by the men in the village and eventually, she chose death to end her misery. I lived in the countryside. I could have been that girl. She could have been me.
It takes tremendous courage to live with the knowledge of all this suffering.
Feeling all the pain and turbulence inside my body, I asked a dear friend for help. He just finished reading The Happiest Man on Earth by Eddie Jaku, a graphic recollection of the Jewish concentration camp and surviving the terrible inhumane events that happened there.
“When he [the 100-year- old Holocaust survivor] forgave what happened to him, he became the happiest man on earth.” My friend said.
To find forgiveness and compassion within me and around me.
That is how.
My friend added, “To learn about compassion, we first need to learn what un-compassion (cruelty) is.”
That is the gift.