Sick in bed for two days, I haven’t written anything.
I never guessed I would say something like this, “I miss writing.”
Writing my memoir has been a grueling process in the last twelve months. The initial three months of writing down the raw moments triggered tears, tender emotions, even fears and uncertainty, yet it was healing.
Still, the day and night writing brought on mental exhaustion. I wanted it to be done with. Then, I found out no one can edit my story as well as I can. It is my life, my story. If I don’t own it, who else will? With that, I carried on.
Another six months passed by, just before giving it to pre-readers for feedback, a voice in my heart said: “No, this book is not ready yet. Something is missing.” I listened to my heart and pulled it back. Another round of editing started.
“Be patient,” Samuel said. “TianShenWoCaiBiYouYong. Your God-given gift will not be wasted.”
My writing teacher said, “Writing a book is a marathon, not a sprint.” Now I know she is right.
So why did I miss writing? Writing provides a tremendous freeing experience. I miss the feeling of freeing myself. It is the feeling of letting go and downloading whatever comes to mind with no judgment. This kind of freedom is only one can give to oneself as a precious gift.
In 2022, I am most looking forward to continuing to grow my gift, to write and to share. A life worth living is one worth recording. I look forward to creating another year made of magical moments, big and small.
I am also looking forward to is deepening my relationship with Norden and celebrating a better version of me, as his mom.
“I think Serena will contribute greatly to society when she grows up,” I said.
“I think both our children will,” Samuel said.
“I think you are right.” I agreed. And that is what I am most looking forward to in 2022.
More than anything in the world, I am most looking forward to watching my son grow into a happy and maturing 13-year old, however maturing looks like for a teenager. This year will be a critical year for him. So far it has been a rollercoaster ride. Some days he is a wonderful child, other days I feel like he’s wearing a different mask with a completely opposite personality. How do you love someone who is just so not lovable at the moment?
The disrespect, hurt, frustration and sense of powerlessness I felt was way bigger than anything else in my life, making him my biggest teacher in this lifetime.
1/3/2022, 9:30 pm, after another fight, I sat down at the dinner table with Samuel, both feeling defeated. Samuel is such a wonderful father. Wisdom sharing—which often gets pushed aside—he plays with Norden with nerf guns, soccer and learning video games making Norden shriek with excitement. Even a papa like that loses his patience sometimes.
“I am a behavior analyst. Why do I always forget my professional training when it comes to Norden? We need to use Planned Ignoring for minor inappropriate behaviors no matter how it drives us nuts.” I looked up and smiled as those words came out.
It worked the next day.
It was two years of infertility before Norden came. I want to tell Norden, “Baby, Mom has been preparing all my life for your arrival. And you are totally worth each minute of the wait.”
I know once I master the art of being a mom to Norden, the universe will open another door for me. To master the art of being a mom to him is to grow me to be a better human being. A more patient and more loving Mom. I am most looking forward to that!